Saturday, September 21, 2013

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

I recently passed my one year anniversary at the bank, and no one was more surprised than me.

Back in July, I was placed on a written warning. Even though my numbers had shown improvement, I was still not meeting expectations. I was extremely discouraged and started feeling really sorry for myself, like I just could not do this, I'm not good enough, I'm never going to "get it," and so on. I was crying at work over stupid shit and my anxiety was getting out of control. It was not cool.

I sat in a closed office with my team manager and our department head, where they asked me, "What do we need to do to help you succeed?" My answer was that maybe I'm not cut out for this type of work. My department head looked me in the eye and told me I was wrong, that he and my manager really believed in me and my potential. That they had spoken with other managers who had overheard me on the phone and were impressed by my skills.

Well damn.

So I had to admit that as far as training and assistance was concerned, that my manager had already gone above and beyond what could be expected to help me succeed. My manager is fucking awesome; he is hands down one of the best people I have ever worked for. I cannot blame him or the company for my failures. My biggest barrier at this job is my own anxiety and that is something that I need to work on myself.

It was not easy to say that out loud in front of two people for whom I have a great deal of respect. I don't want to be seen as the office nutcase.

After signing the written warning, I did get some additional coaching and picked up some great techniques from one of my co-workers. Nothing drastic, just a slight change in tone of voice. I had been trying to speak in a very upbeat, cheerful voice. It's hard to explain, but for some reason I've found customers to be more receptive when I speak in sort of a soft, soothing voice instead. Silly, but it's working pretty well so far. Mostly, though, I've been making a huge effort to slow down, swallow my anxiety, and to the customers.

Speaking of my anxiety, I started seeing a therapist once a week. This was a huge deal for me. I've had some very negative experiences with mental health "professionals" in the past. We're still in the "getting to know you" stage, but so far it's going really well. I think I can trust this guy, and I feel like he understands me. It's been very helpful; I feel a lot more positive in general lately!

I've also been taking St. John's Wort daily for about a month now, along with some vitamin supplements. While I'm not noticing a huge difference, I am feeling a little better. It's definitely not making things any worse, so I'm going to keep taking it. My only complaint about the St. John's Wort is that is smells fucking gross. Like moldy dirt or something. Even though it's in gel caps, I end up tasting it later. Nasty.

Aaanyway, by the end of July...I was a "meets expectations" for performance! Just barely, but who cares! At least I wasn't getting fired, right? I started to relax a little and feel a little bit better about my abilities at work. Then, I made expectations for August, too. 

Maybe I can do this shit, after all.

No comments:

Post a Comment