I just don't understand why your computer can't read my mind!

Actual conversation I had with a customer today:

Stupid Customer (SC): I don't know what the problem is with your automated system that it didn't recognize my phone number!

Me: The phone number that you're calling from doesn't match the primary number on this account.  I can update that for you, though.

SC: Well, this is just a temporary number and then it's going to go back to 555-555-1212. I just don't understand why it didn't recognize my phone number!

Me: Ma'am, the system cannot recognize a phone number that we don't have on file. Would you like me to update your information?

SC: No, because this number is just temporary! I'm only using this phone for a few weeks and then I'm going back to 555-555-1212.

Me: ...We don't have that phone number on file, either.

(I read off both of the phone numbers on her account. Neither one has been updated in about 10 years.)

SC: I don't have that phone number any more! I don't understand what the problem is with your system!

Me: We only know that your number has changed if you tell us. I'd be happy to correct that information, though. Just a moment...

(I update her phone number and verify it again, just to be sure.)

SC: I just don't understand what's wrong with your automated system that it didn't recognize my phone number when I called!

Me: (::facepalm::)...Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Here, phishy phishy...

Have you ever received an email like this?

Dear Bank Client,

Our technical security services department has notified an error on your account, which may lead to your account suspension.

For you to gain access back to your account. you are required to follow the instructions below

• Instructions
• All Bank customers are required to fill their account information properly.
• Failure to do so will be automatically de-activated from its account from our database.

Click here to proceed

We are sorry for the inconvenience this may caused you and thank you for banking with us.

Sincerely,

Your Bank

This is what is referred to as a "phishing" email. 

Phishing is the act of attempting to acquire information such as usernames, passwords, and credit card details (and sometimes, indirectly, money) by masquerading as a trustworthy entity in an electronic communication. (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

Basically, this is a crook who is hoping that you will click on that link and not pay attention to the fact that it redirects to a page that is not part of our secure online banking website. Once there, you'll be required to "verify" your account information. 

Most people see these and either:
a) realize immediately that it's a scam and delete the message; or
b) call the bank, just to be sure, before they fill in any information.

Every once in a while these losers get lucky and the email lands in the inbox of another loser who should not legally be allowed to manage their own money. Some of these people should have a conservatorship like Britney Spears has with her dad.

I took a call from a customer who informed me that she had received one of these emails. I get at least one of these calls every single day from customers who want to know why we sent them an email saying that their account has been suspended when they just logged into online banking and their account has not been suspended and they pay their bills on time so why are they getting these damn emails saying that their account is suspended?!

Seriously, though, most of our customers can see right through this bullshit and they only call to make sure there's no fraud on their account.

Not this lady. 

Like I said, I get these calls every  day. So when she told me she got an email stating that her account had been suspended, I was pretty casual about it and replied, "Yeah, that's not from us. That's a phishing email..." and I was about to assure her that her account was fine when she says:

"Well I filled out the form and verified my account, but then today I got another email from you guys saying the same thing!" 

That made me sit up straight. "...Ma'am, that email was not from the bank. What exactly did you verify?"

Everything. She verified everything. Her full credit card number. Her full social security number. Her mother's maiden name. Her billing address. All of her phone numbers. The name of her family physician? Yes. The make and model of the first vehicle she purchased 30 years ago? Why not!

At what point would a normal person think to themselves, "Something doesn't seem right here. I don't remember ever giving the bank the name of my doctor...how would they have this information on file to be verified in the first place?" Not this dumb bitch; no way. The only reason she was even calling us was because she was pissed that her account was still "suspended" even after she had "verified" all of that information!

I gave her the phone numbers for Trans Union, Experian, and Equifax so that she could have a fraud alert placed on her credit report and she had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. She had never heard of any of the 3 major credit bureaus. 

I also told her that she needs to call the Social Security administration fraud department and she got all huffy about that, like a fucking teenager who doesn't want to do her homework. Before you even ask, this woman is a native-born US citizen who speaks English as her first language and no, she was not elderly. She is just a fucking idiot who absolutely could not understand the gravity of the situation and acted really put-upon by the idea that she needed to make these phone calls. 

Too dumb for words!

Financial Advice

I get a call from a customer who wants to increase his line of credit. Currently, it's at $2000. 

"I just can't believe you guys only gave me a $2000 credit limit," he scoffs. "I mean, that's kind of a slap in the face. It's insulting, really."

"I understand, sir. I'd be happy to process that request for you. I just need to get your income and employment information." I'm always very careful to use the word "request" when it comes to things like credit line increases. There is no guarantee that this is going to be approved, no matter how long you've banked with us or what an "excellent" customer you (think you) are...

Customer informs me that his occupation is a Financial Adviser for a very well-known "global financial services firm" and that he's been employed there for 35 years. He tells me this with that tone of voice that men use when they say things like, "Don't you know who I am?" No, I don't; ask me if I give a shit.

When we process requests for credit limit increases, there are three possible outcomes:
1. It is immediately approved;
2. We are instructed to transfer the call to the credit department to complete the application;
3. We are instructed to inform the customer that they will receive a letter in 5-7 business days.

You know what it means when they tell you that you'll get a letter in the mail with the decision? It means that the decision was, "NO!" We're not even allowed to transfer those customers to the credit department to get more information.  

So take a wild guess which answer my computer spit out for Mr. Big Shot Financial Adviser...

Just out of curiosity I decide to pull up his account history. Turns out he's been within 5 days late at least a dozen times...30 days late several times...60 days late a handful of times...120 days late multiple times?!

Dude, are you fucking kidding me? What kind of financial advice can this joker possibly be giving people? 

Here's some financial advice: Pay your fucking bill on time and maybe you won't be "insulted" with a $2000 credit limit. I'm insulted that you wasted my time with this bullshit!

Empowerment

I don't need a manager's approval to refund finance charges. I am "empowered" to remove late fees and interest from your account. 

I take this to mean that I am also empowered to refuse to do so. Politely, of course.

Too bad the customer will just demand to speak with a supervisor. I'm required to escalate the call, and my manager will tell me to just go ahead and waive the fee.

Sometimes I feel like there is no justice in the world.

Back in the saddle again

I started this blog because, although I am grateful to have a full-time job that pays well and offers excellent benefits, people can be horrible assholes on the phone. 

I actually love working in customer service. Every job I've ever had, for the past 18 years, has involved customer service. I love helping people, and I'm good at what I do. But customer service in a call center is on a whole different level. People seem to think that because you can't see them, because they don't have to look you in the eye when they speak to you, that they can say whatever the fuck they want to say. Screaming and cursing suddenly becomes acceptable behavior.

I'm a nice person and I will bend over backwards to do the right thing for a customer. I will ask management to bend the rules to help someone out. I go above and beyond what is required or expected on a daily basis, because I genuinely care about my work and how it affects people. I want people to be happy. I also know what I would want as a customer, and how I would want to be treated if the situation was reversed. 

I try not to let it bother me when someone is yelling at me about something that is not my fault. Usually, it's not even the bank's fault. You got a late fee because you didn't pay your bill on time. You were charged interest because you didn't pay the balance in full. I know that this has nothing to do with me. Maybe they're having a bad day. As one of my manager's said, "Maybe he just got divorce papers in the mail today. Who knows?" Sometimes it's really hard to remember this when someone is screaming in your ear. It's hard not to take it personally.

My friends and family were getting a little tired of me complaining about work every day. Almost every status I posted on Facebook was about work for a while there. It was getting pretty negative, and I try not to be a negative person. So I started this blog as an outlet because I felt like if I didn't vent somewhere, I was going to explode.

Then I had to take some time off of work for medical reasons. When I got back, they kept me off the phones for a few days to do some refresher training while they reactivated all of my systems. That was pretty nice. I really had nothing to complain about for a while, which was even nicer.

But I'm back, bitches, and I've got some stories to tell.

Stay tuned...

How to Get Your Own Way by being a Bully

I answered a call the other day and I knew from the start that this guy was going to be an asshole.

When you cut me off mid-word to preemptively answer my questions, I don't know what your problem is. Do you thing you're being efficient by saving me the time required to finish those few syllables? Is it because you're in a hurry and you think your time is more valuable than my respect? You know what; I don't even care. You're an asshole and I hate you.

This asshole was rude and snappy during the verification process and as soon as I asked, "How can I help you?" he cut me off in the middle of the word "today," and snapped:

"Reverse some charges!"

First of all, OMG, fuck you. I am so sick and tired of people who were obviously raised by animals because they have no idea about polite human interaction. What happened to "please," and "thank you?" How hard would it have been to say something like, "I see some charges on my account that I'm hoping you can remove," and not be a fucking dick?

Secondly, banks are not in the habit of simply reversing charges for absolutely no reason. I guess you missed the memo, but this is not a non-profit organization. And if you're referring to a merchant charge, the same goes for them and we're not going to just cancel the charge without first determining whether or not it's a valid charge. That is why banks employ a slew of people in Billing Disputes and Fraud Claims.

Come to find out it's a $1 charge and an associated $.03 foreign transaction fee. It took a minute to find because he gave me a completely different name for the merchant and had no idea of the amount. He said that he had signed up for something but they never sent him anything and "you need to reverse this charge right now!"

I said, "Okay, it sounds like I just need to get you in touch with our Billing Disputes department. This will just take a moment," and he totally flipped. the fuck. out.

It was completely ridiculous. I have seen/heard 3 year-olds with more self control. He went on this rant about how it shouldn't be a dispute because he's the customer and I'm supposed to be in Customer Service and I should just reverse the charges. Screaming unintelligibly like a baby the entire time.

I tried to explain that I am not authorized to just reverse charges like this; that is what Billing Disputes is for. I don't know why I even tried to reason with him. I should have just placed him on hold and transferred the call. Don't worry, I would have done a warm transfer. I'm not trying to dick over my co-workers. This just was not my problem and I don't need to explain myself to this idiot.

He kept yelling about how he didn't understand why I wouldn't just do my job as Customer Service because he is the Customer and if he is telling me that he didn't get what he paid for, then I should just reverse those charges, and RAWR RAWR RAWR!

Like a glutton for punishment, I tried to explain that he needs to file a claim with Billing Disputes because he did give this company his credit card number and we have to give the merchant a chance to respond to the claim. We can't just take the word of every customer that calls in and says that they didn't receive a product, or immediately reverse charges if you're not happy with a service you paid for. It just doesn't work that way, and it's a good way to get sued.

This whole time, I'm apologizing to him like a good little corporate slave, because our main goal is Customer Satisfaction and one does not ever tell a Customer "No" or tell them that something cannot be done. So in between all of my "Sir, I understand your frustration, and I am trying to resolve this for you," and "I apologize for the inconvenience," I was trying to get my manager's attention because this shit was getting out of control.

"Sir, I am very sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm not authorized to reverse charges like this. That's why I need to get an associate from Billing Disputes on the line and" and the motherfucker cut me off, again.

"Then screw you, this company is shit! You can just cancel my account! I want to speak to your manager right now!"

"Yes, sir. Just a moment. Hold please."

"Right now!"

"Yes, sir. Hold please."

At this point I was shaking and about three seconds away from a full-blown panic attack. I had a hard time catching my breath, and I'm sure that if Quality was reviewing my call it probably sounded like I was sighing in frustration.

To make a long story a little shorter, my manager did take over the call. He couldn't get a word in edgewise, either. He was able to credit the charges back to the customer's account, mostly because it was only $1.03. He tried to explain that without a dispute on file, the company could potentially charge the card again if it was a subscription service. The customer decided that he would rather have us cancel that card number as lost/stolen and issue him a new card.

Why the fuck would you rather be without your credit card for 8-10 business days, unable to use the old number for anything, than take 5 minutes to file a claim with Billing Disputes? I really wish I had taken note of the merchant's name, because that must have been some embarrassing shit that he didn't want to talk about.

Anyway, kids, I guess the moral of the story is that if you yell and scream and make threats, you can get whatever you want. Because the Customer is always Right.

Did I stutter?

This is a typical phone call in Card Services:

"Thank you for calling Card Services, this is Headset. May I have your name please?"

"John Doe."

"How are you today, Mr. Doe?"

"Fine." Nine times out of ten, this is said in a tone which indicates that my question is somehow offensive. One customer out of ten will return the pleasantry by asking me how I'm doing.

"That's great...and what are the last four digits of the card you're calling about?"

"1 2 3 4," usually accompanied by one of those huffy sighs that lets me know what a huge inconvenience this is. 

This is where it gets fun! After I match your name with that account number, I still need to verify your identity. If you're calling from a phone number associated with your account, that's verification #1 right there. If you can give me the card's expiration date and CVV (security code), we're good to go.

However...if the phone number doesn't match, I'm gonna need your date of birth, mother's maiden name, or the last four digits of your social. 

After that, I still need you to verify the expiration date and security code.

When I ask you, "Do you have that card available?" the last thing I want to hear is:

"Ugh! I have my statement right in front of me!" This is always said in that condescending tone of voice that's supposed to make me feel like a complete idiot for asking such a stupid question.

First of all, lose the fucking attitude. I'm just doing my job, and verifying your identity is a pretty big deal in the banking industry. I don't know what kind of rock you've been living under to not understand what a huge problem identity theft has become in the US, but I kind of wish you'd crawl back under it.

When you snap at me that you're looking at your statement (always with that snotty attitude like I just asked you the most ridiculous question you've ever heard because I should know that you just read the last four digits of your account number off of the bill!) it is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I don't give a fuck about your statement! Did I say anything about your statement? Did I stutter?  Shit, maybe I did stutter...

That's okay, though, because I am a true professional.

"Mr. Doe, I see that you're calling from a telephone number we have on file, so I only need to verify one more piece of information for the security of your account. One moment, please..."

If you don't have the card to read off the security code, I have to verify something else. There are a whole list of items that we can accept, and FYI, your full social security number is not one of them. These are things that the average thief would not be able to identify if they had stolen your wallet.

Except, people are paranoid that the bank is going to sell their information and spam their inbox, so 9 times out of 10 there is no additional information on file.

"I just want to make my payment!"

"I'm happy to assist you with that, sir. I just need to verify that you're authorized on this account first. If you're not able to provide the expiration date and security code on the card, I have to ask you an additional security question."

Down the list of possibilities we go, with nothing that I can verify because you're too fucking paranoid to give us your email address or attach your cell phone number to your account. What do you think I'm going to do, send you a text message at midnight?

I'm only allowed to ask you three questions before I am required to transfer your call to the fraud department because you are now a "suspicious caller." I'm not allowed to tell you that I'm calling fraud, though, so I have to say something like, "I apologize for the delay, Mr. Doe, but I'm having some difficulty accessing your account. Can you please hold for a moment while I get some assistance?"

"Ugh, fine! I can get the card. It's upstairs in my wallet!"

FUCK. YOU. You lazy mother-fucker. Actually, I don't even give a shit about you being too lazy to walk across the room and get your fucking credit card. If you'd rather answer security questions, I have no problem with that. What pisses me off is the fact that you just spent three minutes acting like a cunt because you think you're fucking special and shouldn't have to verify your identity.

Oh, you're special, all right. You are a special kind of asshole.

Also, I dare you to hang up on me during the verification process. I wish you would. It takes me 30 seconds to put a fraud alert on your account. Let's see how special you feel when your credit card is declined.